In a Moment of Despair

at times
all seems lost
laid off and
no work for an old woman
first the home
then the furniture
then the car
now I either walk or take the bus
living in one room
in a house full of strangers.
ignored by children and grandchildren alike
alone to face challenges
perhaps too large to overcome
hardest to understand are the daughters
is it that they can’t stand seeing me
no longer invincible?
do they misinterpret
all that I have done to stay alive?
do they think I ever had any choices?
It is interesting
that they think
that when I ask for their support
they think I mean money
and when I lost my job
the first remark was well,
you can’t stay here.
it is so simple
to pick up the phone
now and then to ask
how are you Mom?
or to offer a ride
to see the great grandson
I am wondering now
who are these creatures
birthed from my womb
grown and uncompromisingly cold
and without compassion?
I used to think
they were my greatest accomplishment
and now I wonder
why I had them
so I am learning to toughen my shell
to harden my heart
and to find ways
to live without them
so that it doesn’t kill me.
the good thing is
I have friends and sisters
who let me know
I am valued and loved.
and I have my trust in life
that all is not really lost
that I am never really alone
that who I am and what I do
touches the lives of others
in beautiful ways
with that I move forward
bringing myself back
to a place of strength
because I am determined
that life will not defeat me
I will find love
and I will find joy
in the small things of life
and in that I will find peace.

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